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Album Review: Goblin Cock – Come With Me If You Want To Live!

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Imagine a fantasy land far away from your own. On the journey to get there, you pass by magical crystals, magnificent castles and mountains of malleable metals that the fire pits of Hell forge the strongest swords and arrows with. With that mental picture in mind, this opens up the musical portals for San Diego’s Goblin Cock. The doom metal quintet, led by Pinback vocalist Rob Crow (aka Lord Phallus), divulges in a world unlike the normal. Unfortunately for the group’s sophomore album, and first since 2005, they never quite seem to reach that intended destination.

Borrowing their title from the famous line Kyle Reese utters to Sarah Connor in the 1984 classic, The Terminator, San Diego’s Goblin Cock conjure up what sounds on paper to become the heaviest album in the existence of mankind. From the get-go, the album starts with the rain effects and keyboard laden “Hissless” which sounds like a subtle walkway to the Goblin’s castle. With distant guitars chiming in and out, the album starts off promising enough with all the right imagery. The coldness of the castle walls oozes out of each note as well as the radio hisses which resemble the winds high atop the castle’s towers.

What follows after the subtle intro quickly collapses into the band’s first heavy number “Loch.” Right away the biggest problems regarding the band lie in the recording. While this does possess a strong lo-fi sound straight from Crow’s own label Robcore Records, the drums and guitars overall volumes sound incredibly mismatched. What potentially could work on paper comes off rather boorish and undercooked, even though Lord Phallus’ vocals sound great. This trend pretty much follows for the rest of the record: Crow sounds great, band can’t live up to par.

The next sludge trump “Big Up Your Willies” is a bit better on the anticipation side. Starting with a fuzz sludge bass from “King Sith”, the song quickly falls apart and switches way too many gears. From the intro to roughly two minutes into the song, it follows a funeral dirge stoner metal fanatics can pray at night to as their messiah. However, the pendulum swings back the other way and gives way to pop rock fanatics by emplying a flanger induced uptempo beat over Phallus’ vocals. It’s oddly out of place and seems to disconnect the song even more.

The next three thunderous tunes however see the band shine in both musical composition and brilliance. “We Got A Bleeder”, “Ode To Billy Jack” and the interestingly titled instrumental “Beneath The Valley Of The Island Of Misfit Toys”, pick up the slack from their previous efforts and nonetheless Phallus’ rocks the tracks to their fullest potential. To be honest, the band’s primarily problem throughout this record is not in their uncanny ability to perform: It’s the fact that their shtick grows old real quick and comes off rather monotonous.

For the final four tracks of the record, “Haint,” “Mylar”, “Tom’s Song [For T.O.F.]” and the misanthropic closer, “Trying To Get Along With Humans,” Goblin Cock offer an adequate finish to a more-than-mediocre metal album. While I’ll give the band credit in their effort to do something much less expected than most bands, here it seems to come out of the oven a bit undercooked. When there should be too much going on, the band stalls in first gear while on the flip side the band throws too many spices in one pot within a matter of seconds. The one constant shiner overall is in Phallus’ vocals; those I have no claim of complaint for…at least not strong enough to be locked in the Goblin’s dungeon.

Much like the heroine becoming rescued by her hero, Goblin Cock’s Come With Me If You Want To Live! seems a bit predictable at times. If I were to go with them, where would I go? 7-11? A pay phone? To call the police? Destroy Skynet? All these questions remain, but overall this is a decent record. It isn’t exactly spring chicken, but it can make for some pretty decent noodle soup.

Check Out:

“Beneath The Valley Of The Island Of Misfit Toys”

“Ode To Billy Jack”

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