Court of the Ginger King: The Trial of Guitar Hero

You can stop rubbing those eyes. Yes, the Ginger King is back! After a two-month hibernation, the beast returns, and as usual, his temper is flaring. What’s bothering him? Oh, just a harmless little game that hardly hurt anybody. Of course, Mr. Michniak thinks otherwise. Folks, this could get ugly — but we like that around here. Let’s get this rolling! -Michael Roffman, Editor-in-Chief

Very few can escape the allure of Guitar Hero. She’s a bitch mistress. When I first laid my hands on her, it was the special summer of 2005. This was pre-release. I was drunk and surrounded by gorgeous models in Downtown LA at an awards after-party — a rock n’ roll type story if there was ever one. Guitar Hero hadn’t hit stores yet so everyone was intrigued by the crazy controller. By the following fall, it was a runaway hit, of course.

I have never walked away disliking a game more in my life. This game is fucking brutal: the controls suck, the playability is limited, there are too few songs! I thought at the time, who is going to play this game? Yes, I realize everyone.

Don’t doubt that this is a true story. I have the G-Phoria drink menu that I stole, and if you really wanna get technical, I can show you the three 40-inch signs I ripped off the wall and brought back with me to Chicago, too. After all, where would I be without evidence?

The simple matter at hand here is that people who love Guitar Hero have a lot of problems. First of all, you can’t listen to the songs you play three million times ever again. Goodbye Santana, we hardly knew ye! Oh, but maybe you like “Anarchy in the UK”? You’re a bad ass, you know that song in and out, right? Well, I hope you enjoy never being able to listen to Never Mind the Bollocks again.

Fuck you Guitar Hero! You’ve ruined great music and while I’m at it, you’ve ruined an instrument for a generation of people (see: South Park, “Guitar Queer-O”, Episode 1113). Damn you Activision or whoever made this stupid game. Sorry, I don’t have time to “google” your sorry ass, multi-billion dollar company. Naturally, I’ve got better things to do — like scratch my balls and drink my homemade iced tea (it’s delicious).

Moving on from healthy genital aeration, let’s get down to the real idiocy of this nonsense. Recently, a Guitar Hero reality show and a concert tour have been discussed, which of course will go into production. My question and concern and overall response: HOW THE FUCK IS A CONCERT TOUR SCHEDULED? How can a video game have a concert tour? How? Do they just haul fat kids around across the country? Do they expect us to sit and watch these rejects play the game, while eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew at the 50 yard line?

First of all, I would admittedly pay to see that, maybe that’s wrong, but a reality show? That’s really just a step too far. Back in my day, reality shows were about things like seven strangers practicing race relations in a Hollywood apartment. Reality shows pushed the boundaries of what we could tolerate in terms of watching people eating unappetizing things. Now, we have crap like Rock of Love Me Like a Hurricane (oops, wrong irrelevant ’80s metal band reference). We already have shows that follow white suburban ghetto wannabees playing Madden, we don’t need people with zero musical talent playing Guitar Hero, at least not on my television.

Another problem is this bullshit on YouTube. STOP putting fucking videos on YouTube that feature your irrelevant video game skills. Look, I have a YouTube account just like everyone else, we could all put videos of us doing cool stuff that we do alone in our room (like scratching my balls with one hand and drinking my homemade iced tea in the other). This could be a great comparison video to show next to the best score from the Dragonforce stage in Guitar Hero III (maybe II, maybe World Tour, maybe I don’t care). What I’m really trying to say is that if you are filming your Guitar Hero trials, you need to tape yourself doing other stuff. I suggest walking thoughtfully through a forest or use the art medium of video to explore something other than someone else’s ideas.

I realize I might be getting too deep for some people. Hey, I don’t know who reads this site. I’ve never even met anyone who works here! Hell, I might work for a telefax machine tucked away in an office in New York (just kidding, Alex.)

Look, if you love Guitar Hero, you have some serious fucking problems. You are bastardizing good music by wearing out the songs and associating them with a challenge of a game as opposed to the challenge that should come from the songwriter’s or musician’s message. What’s unfortunate is that these songs get played out before they should and this game is so massively loved that we as a society are going to be bombarded with shitty reality shows and concert tours with those aforementioned fat kids. This can’t be good people, it just can’t. Video gamers are already highly ignorant (have you heard X-Box Live?). No one should tolerate a society run by gamers. So, run for the hills! Soon it’ll be all YouTube videos of shitty high scores! Oh god, why? Why has thou forsaken me? This dirty, dirty temptress of a game! It will destroy us! Destroy us! Destroy us…

Oh, by the way, here’s my own Guitar Hero high score! All there for your viewing pleasure, on YouTube…

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