Hello, Bachelor nation!
Apologies if I’m not at the top of my game tonight; I’m still recovering from a deep dish pizza and Buffalo wing-induced food coma. In honor of that sporting event I’m not sure I’m allowed to mention by name, but it’s probably fine because this article is technically journalism, I’d like to present a new feature…
The Top Five Ways The Bachelor Is Like the Super Bowl
01. Winner gets a ring.
02. Performance-enhancing drugs
03. Ridiculous mascots
04. Players in peak physical condition
05. Fireworks, both literal and metaphorical
Now that I’ve captured the attention of our elusive “reality TV and football fan” demographic, let’s get on with the recap.
THE PLAY BY PLAY
Previously, Nick gave Corinne a rose on his two-on-one date, and Taylor was expected to go home, as rejected contestants traditionally do. But Taylor DGAF, and she marches back to the scene to demand a private conversation with Nick. She speaks the truth (Corinne lied to him, she’s manipulative, and other women in the house agree), and yet Nick still continues to be a sucker for Corinne’s “charms.” One of which includes her attempts to come up with memorable sound bites.
“What I learned tonight is cats have nine lives, and bitches have two.”
There’s a full moon, which indicates that something weird will happen at tonight’s rose ceremony. Sure enough, Nick commits the shocking act of cancelling the evening’s cocktail party and going straight to elimination city. Quelle horreur! Kristina, Raven, Vanessa, Danielle L., Jasmine, and Whitney join Danielle M., Rachel and Corinne in the safe zone. Which means Jaimi, Josephine, and Alexis — the dolphin shark — are leaving us forever. Don’t worry, Alexis. I’m sure there’s a minor league baseball team out there that could use your services.
The final nine are heading to St. Thomas as their reward for surviving this nightmare! Nick arrives to greet them by landing a seaplane directly into their hotel room.
Kristina and Nick will be going on the first date of the trip. They head to the Annaberg Ruins for some intimate conversation, and the layers of the Kristina onion slowly start to peel away. Here’s what we know about Kristina’s history so far. She is one of nine siblings; her parents have four of their own children and four adopted children, but Kristina has another mysterious sister who lives in Russia. Seems like the perfect time to pause the story and go for a swim!
Later that evening, Nick hopes that the romantic island setting will help Kristina feel more comfortable and willing to share the rest of her story. Grab a box of Kleenex, folks. It turns out that as a very young girl, Kristina lived with her mother, and her sister lived separately with their father. Struggling through extreme poverty, Kristina left home at the age of five and spent about eight years in an orphanage; her mother never visited and has since passed away. She tears up recalling the bittersweet circumstances of her adoption, having to give up her friendships with the other children in the orphanage to hope for a chance of a better life in America. Nick is choked up, too, and he gives Kristina a rose while praising her maturity and incredible strength. “I would be lucky for Kristina to be the person I could spend the rest of my life with,” he tells us.
Next up … group date! Rachel, Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, Danielle M., and Jasmine are heading with Nick to the beach for a totally casual beach hang. He suggests some 3-on-3 drunk volleyball to pass the time. What could possibly go wrong?
01. Corinne leaves to go take a nap, then changes her mind, then gets overly affectionate with Nick. Everyone else quietly rages.
02. Jasmine, desperate to grab Nick’s attention, starts chasing him around the beach and then pushes Corinne to the ground.
03. Rachel, Vanessa and Danielle express their disappointment in the superficiality of the volleyball date, then get even more frustrated by the fact that they’re upset about something so inane.
Oy vey, this is a disaster! Nick realizes that there’s nothing relaxing about a group of women all competing for the same guy, so he tries to steer the evening portion of the date in a different direction. One-on-one conversations and damage control are the name of the game. But for Jasmine, it’s not enough. She’s emotionally unraveling at the seams. She tells Nick that she feels as if she’s been overlooked (reasonable), is bothered by the fact she’s only been invited on group dates so far (also reasonable), and then says multiple times that she’s so upset she wants to choke him (ALERT! ALERT!).
Our Bachelor is not amused and knows that he and Jasmine are not on the same page. He makes the decision to send her home immediately. But the whole day has planted the seed of doubt in his mind. Will this process work out in the end, or is he doomed to a life of sponsored Twitter posts and Dancing with the Stars appearances?
The final date of the week is a two-on-one with Whitney and Danielle L. Both of the women are bothered by their appearance on this date. They each feel they have a strong connection with Nick, and, unlike the $hit$how that was Taylor vs. Corinne, they don’t have anything awful to say about each other. But, you know, it’s still awkward.
After what seems to be the quickest two-on-one decision in Bachelor history, Nick says goodbye to Whitney. His relationship with her was simply not progressing at the same rate as the others. But now we’ll never know if Whitney was Prince’s pilates instructor!*
*A rumor I started based on the only things we ever learned about Whitney: her career, her age, and the fact she was from Chanhassen, Minnesota.
Nick and Danielle L. continue their date over dinner in a former prison. There is truly nothing subtle about the metaphors on this show. Something awful is about to happen. Danielle is all in, ready to dive headfirst into her feelings, and tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him. She waits for some sort of reciprocation, but the look on Nick’s face speaks volumes.
“I went into this day hoping and wanting desperately to end today wanting to give you this rose. But I feel like in my heart I can’t.” He softly apologizes, but it doesn’t change the outcome. We learn that Danielle is, unsurprisingly, a beautiful crier.
You guys, this is BRUTAL! The remaining women are shocked to learn that both Whitney and Danielle L. were sent home. As they try to piece together scenarios of what could have possibly gone wrong, in walks Nick with some tears and bad news. If his seemingly strong relationship with Danielle took such an unexpected turn, who’s to say it won’t happen again? “I don’t think I can keep doing this,” he whispers and leaves the hotel.
Nick, come back! We need you!
COMING UP
Set your DVRs, ’cause this is a big one. Next week we’ll be getting this season’s CRYING OVER THE BALCONY SCENE!
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Heather Kaplan is a copywriter by day and a photographer by night. She tweets, infrequently.
