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10 Final Predictions for Twin Peaks: The Return

Theories on Audrey's dance, the real Diane, who's closing the Roadhouse, etc.

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twin peaks week final1 10 Final Predictions for Twin Peaks: The ReturnOn Sunday, September 3rd, David Lynch and Mark Frost’s iconic series Twin Peaks comes to an end. In anticipation, Consequence of Sound will be reporting live from The Great Northern Hotel with some damn fine features all week. Today, Editor-in-Chief steps out of reality and visits the Fireman, who has some secrets about what may or may not lie ahead. It’s our final round of predictions for The Return.

After waiting for decades, the ending to Twin Peaks is finally upon us. On Sunday evening, David Lynch and Mark Frost’s iconic masterpiece will come to a close, wrapping up a story that has entertained as much as it’s bewildered. For over three months, we’ve watched their outstanding epic unfold on Showtime, slowly witnessing the return of Special Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan), who looks primed and ready to put back the evil for good.

Or maybe he doesn’t? That’s the sick beauty of Lynch and Frost’s twisted universe. More often than not, there are no real answers just as there aren’t any concrete endings, so to assume that all will end well is fairly naive in retrospect. For all we know, Cooper could get himself trapped in the Red Room again, only this time with no potential for escape. We hope that doesn’t happen — please, Mr. Fireman, don’t let that happen — but who knows.

We’ll soon find out. Though, with only two hours left, this two-part finale is going to be one hell of a marathon run, especially considering how much is left on the diner table. Will we find out what’s going on in the Palmer residence? Will Balthazar Getty return as Red to flip more spectral coins in the air? Will Audrey (Sherilyn Fenn) escape whatever hell she’s in? Will we find out what happens to Sheriff Truman … the original Sheriff Truman, that is.

It’s all one big shrug right now, but that’s an exciting place to be. It’s the unknown, and longtime fans of Lynch can attest to how the unknown can be curiously comforting. Because, in his own Lynchian way, things do eventually connect, even if it may seem like he’s only tossed more puzzle pieces on the table. On the surface, it may look like a convoluted mess, but as Gordon Cole once said: “Two and two do not always equal four.”

Let’s rock … our final predictions.

–Michael Roffman
Editor-in-Chief

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Steven and Becky Burnett are Dead

Spoiler: Steven Burnett (Caleb Landry Jones) is a total scumbag. He’s also probably a dead scumbag. In “Part 15”, we saw him running around the forest behind Fat Trout Trailer Park, frantically mumbling to his mistress, Gersten Hayward (Alicia Witt), about something he did and how he should commit suicide. Although we still don’t know what that something is, Gersten says it was “her” fault, and that he was too stoned to take the blame. They’re likely talking about Steven’s wife, Becky (Amanda Seyfried), who had previously shot up Gersten’s apartment back in “Part 11”. Perhaps Steven killed Becky, couldn’t handle the guilt of his crime, and took his own life behind that tree? No, you’re right, that gunshot we heard was probably just him target practicing.

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The Great Northern Will Factor Heavily

There’s a lot happening at the Great Northern. While Ben Horne’s (Richard Beymer) lavish hotel remains a clean place that’s reasonably priced, there’s also a little romantic tension in the front office, one of its security guards has an abnormally powerful right hook, and nobody can quite pinpoint where this alien noise keeps coming from — is it the floorboards? The basement? Hard to tell. What we do know is that said noise is vital to the storyline, seeing how it was the same sound that recently accompanied Cooper’s grand awakening in “Part 16”. Perhaps it’s another link to the Red Room, where MIKE (Al Strobel) is waiting for someone to return (ahem, Evil Cooper), or maybe it’s a doorway to, say, the elusive White Lodge? Save that thought for later.

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Bobby Briggs Will Take Down Red

Red (Balthazar Getty) is a bad boy, but so was Bobby Briggs (Dana Ashbrook), which is why they’ve both been in the crosshairs of Shelly Briggs (Mädchen Amick). Now that Briggs is a Deputy, however, his luster has wavered considerably, or maybe there’s something that happened in the past that we don’t know about. Either way, Shelly’s heart belongs to Red, as we see in “Part 11”, when the two of them kiss outside the R&R. Unfortunately for her, Red is a drug kingpin, dealing a creepy new drug called “Sparkler”, which is most certainly the same designer drug Bobby said he was tracking in “Part 4”. If we’re lucky, Bobby will tail Red to the R&R, the two of them will talk over coffee, both will explain their situations, to which Bobby will say: “Brother, you are going down.”

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Julee Cruise Will Be the Last Roadhouse Performer

Out of all the 217 names that were leaked last year, Julee Cruise is the one musician that has yet to appear at the Roadhouse. Though, as most fans might have assumed, Lynch was saving his veteran muse for the very end, which makes total sense. After all, she’s always been the true headliner of the bar, having appeared in multiple key moments, turning songs like “Falling”, “The Nightingale”, and “The World Spins” into spiritual anthems of Twin Peaks. What she plays for Twin Peaks: The Return is a mystery to us all; it could be something old, it could be something familiar, it could be something new. Here’s hoping it’s a new song, one that can soundtrack a scene as well as this one…

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Philip Jeffries Will Escape His Fate

Okay, this one’s admittedly a reach, but hear me out: We now know that Special Agent Phillip Jeffries (David Bowie) has become this weird, industrial tea kettle, as we saw in his menacing encounter with Mr. C in “Part 14”. Had the Starman lived, or filmed his scenes prior to his death (a rumor that never came to fruition sadly), that miserable outcome probably wouldn’t have been the case, and the two would have been able to chat in person as opposed to on a set straight out of Eraserhead. Still, that is such a miserable fate for the former member of the Blue Rose Task Force, which is why it’s quite possible he escapes. How? Well, Lynch has been keen on using footage from Fire Walk with Me, and there are plenty of Bowie clips that were left on the cutting room floor. Who’s to say that once the conflict with Mr. C is resolved, we don’t see Jeffries randomly pop up in a Buenos Aires stairwell? Hey, the footage is right there for the taking…

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Diane Is Naido, Naido Is Diane

Well, fuck me, Diane Evans (Laura Dern) was a tulpa all along. What’s a tulpa, you say? A being created through spiritual or mental powers. In “Part 16”, we learned that Evil Cooper turned her into one as she tearfully confessed to Deputy Director Gordon Cole (Lynch), Special Agent Albert Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer), and Special Agent Tammy Preston (Chrysta Bell) that he sexually assaulted her before taking her to “a gas station,” most likely the same one where the woodsmen dwell. Before she whizzed off into the Red Room, after trying to kill our Blue Rose heroes, she had inferred that the real Diane is at the “Sheriff’s station,” which makes sense when you consider the rogues gallery of freaks currently residing behind bars in Twin Peaks.

Among the most likely of candidates is Naido (Nae Yukki), who Deputy Andy Brennan (Harry Goaz) saved near Jack Rabbit’s Palace in “Part 14”. Those who love anagrams will surely notice that Naido can be rearranged to spell out Dian-o, and while that’s not the exact match we’re looking for, it’s just enough to reach for the celebratory donut. It also helps to think back to “Part 2”, when she seemingly recognized Cooper in that surreal purple villa and later sacrificed herself for him by falling into oblivion. Why she would look like a scarred Asian woman as opposed to Ms. Dern is irrelevant; for Christ’s sake, David Bowie is a goddamn tea pot now. Though, it should be noted that Yukki did play a pivotal existential role to Dern’s character in Inland Empire.

Like the owls, Naido is not what she seems…

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Sarah Palmer Is Possessed by Her Daughter

Something’s off about Sarah Palmer (Grace Zabriskie), wouldn’t you say? Screaming about turkey jerky, zoning out to looping boxing footage, chugging Bloody Marys, and biting schlub’s necks off are all par for the course when it comes to possession in Twin Peaks. But woo hoo, Sarah takes it to another level, making Leland’s manic dancing and crying look like a Hallmark ad by comparison. Yes, something is inside the depressing neighborhood widow, and that something could very well be her daughter. Whoa, whoa, whoa, don’t kill me for speculating, just think about it: The last time we saw Laura (Sheryl Lee) — Gordon Cole’s strange vision in “Part 10” notwithstanding — she was removing her face to Cooper in the Red Room before being sucked away by something malicious.

Well, let’s just say, she’s not the only person who knows how to do that face trick, as we saw her mother do the same thing at the end of “Part 15”. But whatever was within Sarah didn’t look like Laura; it actually looked more like the Experiment, that big ol’ demon that was chasing Cooper and chiseled those kids in New York to death in “Part 1” and who we later found out birthed BOB in “Part 8”. What if, and this is a big what if, the Experiment is the demon that snagged Laura away, and the two of them have been coexisting together inside Sarah like some inter-dimensional buddy demon duo? It’s a lot to swallow, admittedly, but … Well, that’s another interesting conundrum to think about; what if the little girl in “Part 8” was actually Sarah? Remember, time isn’t linear in Twin Peaks.

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Audrey Horne Is Stuck in the White Lodge

Everything looked so peachy for Audrey until Lynch had to go and pull a fast one on us at the end of “Part 16” and ruin her big dance at the Roadhouse. But really, that dance was far too strange to be reality anyhow, even for Twin Peaks. No, as we long suspected, Audrey’s stuck in some sort of mental state. Some have argued she’s still in a coma following the bank explosion of the season two finale, though that doesn’t explain why Dr. Heyward (Warren Frost) said she “was” in a coma back in “Part 7” while talking to Sheriff Frank Truman (Robert Forster). Others have suggested a psych ward, though that wouldn’t explain why the band played “Audrey’s Dance” backwards over the credits, either.

Wanna know our suggestion? How about the White Lodge? While we’ve never actually seen the inter-dimensional location, Deputy Hawk (Michael Horse) has explained that it’s “a place where the spirits that rule man and nature reside.” Given that we know Evil Cooper raped Audrey while she was in a coma, which explains how their now-deceased son Richard (Eamon Farren) came to be, is it out of the question that those same spirits might have offered a helping hand Audrey while she was under? Maybe, like Cooper, she’s also experiencing a return-of-sorts, and that she will soon come into reality. That would explain why there’s a noise echoing around her pop’s hotel, would it not?
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Sheriff Harry Truman Will Survive

Look, we just need this to happen. Don’t let Harry die. We know Michael Ontkean didn’t come back and that he’s retired from acting, but maybe there’s a way Cooper and Frank Truman go and visit him in the hospital? Maybe they have some R&R 2 Go goodies for him to celebrate his recovery, and we hear them all laughing as the door closes? Something.
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There Will Be Robins

Shortly before the premiere of Twin Peaks: The Return, we offered up 10 predictions for the season, one of which Justin Gerber outlined to perfection. Here’s what he wrote:

Information has been scarce, but in a special Twin Peaks feature for Variety, Laura Dern revealed something quite fascinating: “Kyle and I had several scenes, particularly in the car, when we’re talking about the robins.” As any true Lynchhead will recall, robins figure quite prominently in the plot of Lynch’s Blue Velvet. That 1986 film starred both Dern and Coop himself, Kyle MacLachlan. Will this upcoming series deal with dreams and/or what is and isn’t real? Are Coop and Jeffrey one and the same? Is Dern reprising her role as Sandy?

Probably not, probably not, but humor me a few seconds more. This is where it gets really interesting. Dern’s quote about the robins has since been pulled from the article (statement: “This story has been revised and updated”)! Perhaps it’s because Lynch wants literally nothing coming out specific to the plot, or maybe, just maybe, there’s something to this connection. After all, if we’ve learned anything when it comes to the auteur, it’s that it’s a strange world.

Now, maybe Dern was just referencing their time together on Blue Velvet, and the writer realized this after publishing. Or maybe not, and there’s some weight to Justin’s theory, and that this whole thing will end with Cooper and Diane finally reunited, chatting about robins as they make their way out of Twin Peaks together. Wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t that be a fitting conclusion? Some may argue that would be too similar to Blue Velvet, but with Lynch, he’s all about parallels, and since so much of the series came from his 1986 masterpiece, this writer argues it’d be a fitting bookend to a strange world.

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